Changing to blogger

Just for info’s purpose, i am changing to blogger. I don’t like wordpress now. And I’ll be more active now. Alot has happened. You can find me at sunshine4shadows.blogspot.com

I thought i was cured

Yeah i know, cured? Is there such a thing? I was doing sooooo good. I’ve haven’t self injured in a while, since my last post i believe. I lost my health insurance, and we’re in serious debt because of my spending habits, but I was generally feeling ok (or at least not feeling anything, which is the same to me). I felt happy at times and at times nothing but it was ok.  Then i ran into my therapist and all of a sudden i started feeling all these things and i was seriously triggered and was thinking about self injuring for a long while that day. Now i don’t know… I don’t feel like hurting myself, but i feel weird.

Blabbering on and on

Why do i always screw myself over? I procrastinated sending in information to my health insurance company and because of it, they cut it off. My husband and I have no health insurance now and on top of that, I cant see my therapist whe i feel i need to see him the most at the moment. I havent seem bhim in over a month because my husband insisted that we see him together, so he was no longer MY therapist, but OUR therapist. But when my husband’s schedule prevented him from going, i couldnt go. Then the months go by and i just didnt push it about going. Now that my husb and says i can go without him pressuring me to take him along, I have NO INSURANCE! And it’s not like my therapist knows whats been going on. He is the type of therapist who doesnt call if you suddenly stop going. Thats how i stopped years ago. He didnt even call to see if i was still alivea dn yrs later when i ask to see him again, he said “you just disappeared”. Duh. But he didnt call. The phone works both ways. I dont know if i should call him and tell him about the insurance situation. What good will it do? All i know is that if i am really in a “bad” place, my only alternative to self-destructing behavior is being in the hospital, and am not going to admit myself there after being out for 7 years, i am not going to go in just for a case of the “crazies”. Hey, so what that i cut myself for the first time in months and that i see things out the corner of my eye and hear my husband call me when he hasn’t. It’s not as if i see things right in front of my face, or something, that would be freakin’ scary. But the corner of eye thing I can ignore, and I do ignore really. No biggie right? It’s not all the time anyway. But my husband gets a bit freaked when i go up to him and asked why he called me when he didn’t. He doesnt say anything but the look on his face says it all. He just pushes it aside as one of my quirks because he doesnt want to admit that he is married to a woman who has a mental disorder or whatever. I never really showed much symptoms of anything when we were dating  or in the first few years of marriage. It just kinda flared up when i decided to go back to work, after my mom died, when we became homeless. 1,2,3….yeah those 3 things just kinda just threw my mental health for a loop. And the work part really is torture. It’s not that i dont mind working, it’s the people. The kind of people that are out here in the real world, who now jusdt the right things to say to me to make me cry, or get angry or feel lonely. Man… It’s really lonely outside my bubble, and even more lonely within it. 

You know i was dragging a thumbtack across my skin while i was reading the Bible. Kinda counter-productive don’t you think? I couldnt help it. I was reading about what a good wife should be and the guilt of the imperfect me caught up iwht me. I really didnt do any damage, didnt even draw blood. But it felt good nontheless. Man, i must be really screwed up. Screwed up an no one to talk to besides the computer. Ya know I see things out the corner of my eye mostly at work. That’s a coincidence right? LOL. Yeah…right.

release, but really not

I had to let that go, but interestingly enough i can’t cry because i wrote it at work. I can’t write it at home, too many distractions. The kids, the hubby, and now the dog. The dang dog who like to sleep in my crocheting yarn!!!! lol. Oh, that reminds me i have to crochet a blanket for him cause he keeps using the blanket that my kids like. Ewww. lol.

I’m sorry mom

I’m sorry mom for not being there when i was a teenager rebelling. I’m sorry i kept you up at night praying for me to come home. I’m sorry i made you worry about me constantly. I’m sorry I made you stressed. I’m sorry mom for staying out all night and not calling you. I’m sorry mom for saying that i hated you. I’m sorry mom for believing that you hated me too. I’m sorry mom for not being more consoling when they found out you had cancer. I’m sorry mom for not going to your chemo appointments with you. I’m sorry for never holding your hand. I’m sorry for always being “busy”. I’m sorry for not bringing your grandchildren over enough for you to cherish them. I’m sorry for not realizing that when you couldn’t come over, you weren’t lazy, you were worn out. I’m sorry for not believing that you were terminal. I’m sorry for not seeing that you weren’t going to get better. I’m sorry for not believing dad when he told me you were taking your last breaths. I’m sorry for not being there when you did. I’m so sorry for letting you die thinking i did not love you, when i loved you most of all. I’m so sorry.

Well i have a new dog

We got a puppy, a chihuahua as you can see from the picture. It is actually quite little the picture just makes it look bigger. It’s only 3 months. I think I got it half out of impulse. I was looking for a dog for my children (yea-i really mean for me). But I just saw it online and was like-ok, i will just get it. Long story short, it’s cute, it’s wonderful and it cost me over 800 dollars if you add up the vet bills, medicine (it turned out to be sick), supplies, food, etc. Yeah what did i expect? I expected myself to have more impulse and shopping control.

new puppy

Add Glitter to Pictures

Ups and Downs and Ups

Things in my life have been…confusing and frustrating and very busying so i havent been on wordpress lately. Also for the reason of that my husband is home all the time when i am and i dont want his paranoia ruining my day or my blogging. Saying that, i’m blogging right now from work. hehehe sneaky me right? It’s not like i have something to hide or anything, but come on, i need something that is just my own. Not that this counts since he read all my past posts. He needs to learn boundaries. HA! ME talking about boundaries. Me, who didnt realize that it was inappropriate to ask if a woman was wearing her own hair or if it was a weave or wig just because i was curious. Come on, some hair is just TOO perfect. But i wasnt trying to hurt anyone’s feelings or make fun of anyone honest. I was just curious. It seems (in my head) as normal to ask that as to ask where they got their shoes from. I hate when things in my head dont come out the same to other people. *sigh of discontent*

Down and Out, and down.

Sorry it’s been so long but i have been having really bad issues with my husband one of which during an arugement my husband grabbed me by my throat and holding me backwards which led me to scratch the hell out of his face. When he did that i called my dad to take the kids so i could call the cops. After my dad came, I decided not to call the police. It was the first time in our 5 years together that he ever layed a hand on me. I think he just got caught up in the emotions of our arguement. Anyway, so i’ve been very stressed so i couldnt really write.

We are a bit better now, it has never gotten that far and it never will again because i swore that if he ever puts his hands on me like that again, i would be gone. That would be it, and i have my dad and therapist’s support on that.

Hubby issues

Twice he said that he was leaving me because we are having problems. But he didnt do it. He keeps trying to make up and then something will set us off for an arguement and he’ll want to leave again. Look, i am not throwing him out but if he wants to leave, i’m gonna let him go. I have 2 special needs kids, and i’m the only one working right now, and my job sucks, so i have enough to deal with right now.