You know I’ve been bouncing off the walls at work, and my coworker said, “Whats wrong with you? You are acting more deranged than usual.” Yea…ok. Anyway, i si’d a little while ago. Not sure why, well kinda sure, but really dont want to admit it i guess. It’s a mixed emotion, no-attention thing. I hate being ignored and i hate how people perceive me. But i have no control over that, but i do have control over how i react, and thats how i reacted. It was a small little thing. No biggie. (No pun intended).
Ya know my husband called me at 3:30am ( i work late) to tell me that he had a nightmare. Apparently the nightmare was that i beat him up and then left him. Wow, that seems kinda accurate. lol. But of course i comforted him, and told him it was okay (we are mending things, he agreed to talk to someone at our church who is a social worker, and he agreed to talk about seeing MY therapist either with or without me on a possible long-term basis). I still love him, i love him so much i hurt. You can’t just throw away 4 years of marriage. He’s my heart. We are going to work things out. I’ve forgiven him, and he’s trying, I’m trying…I still have the internet cord so he can’t get online when i’m out. 
***Note- Forgiven, never Forgotten***
I changed my header. I’m kinda like that. I do things based on my moods. I don’t feel totally depressed, just a little tired so i decided to change my header pic with something not so dark/cold/depressing. I don’t know, i thought that pic was kinda depressing on the wordpress layout. I do that alot. I change my hair based on my moods (I can be mistaken for emo on a really bad day-no offense towards emos), i change my outfits, and etc, etc. Thats just me. 
Well i was watching Ace of Cakes on Food Network, and they were showing some OUTSTANDING cakes! It could be called art! Here is the host’s cake website so you can see what i’m talking about. Charm City Cakes It’s just great. But anyway, it led me to look online at pictures of cakes, wedding cakes in particular. Here is my reasoning. Cake-sweet, sweet-endorphins?, endorphins-happy. And i need happy right now. Ok, so i’m not a medical doctor, and that’s not scientific, but it’s enough reason for me! It’s just about the same reasoning that tells me that it’s okay to eat cake for breakfast because of the eggs and milk in it that makes it dairy and wholesome.
Now, to start, i decided to show you chocolate cakes. Chocolate is my enemy and my best friend. Some of these cakes on this site don’t even look like chocolate. Devious hidden chocolate….
Serendipity Cakes
Then lets go the the bizarre, but still no less tempting.
Cakes Unique
And of course, floral….
WildFlowers by Lori
But my ultimate favorite is from OkSugar Wow, i can’t believe how beautiful and delicous and GORGEOUS these cakes are!!! *Ahem* Anyone who is a baker from oksugar.com who wants me to be on some sort of test panel, i am available.
Aren’t they just gorgeous??? Well I’ve had my sugar rush of the day. Don’t you just love eye-candy?
I was in a very bad place last night emotionally. I was depressed and crying and i kept trying to get my husband to get up so he can stay with me, but he wouldn’t get up. He didnt know i was in a bad place but he wouldn’t wake up to see why i kept trying to wake him either. Every time i thought to get up and self injure, my daughter woke up and kept wanting to come into my bed. I exhausted all my energy repeatedly putting her back to her room. I finally went to sleep. At 4:00 AM! You can bet that i woke up (excuse my Disney’s reference) madder than an hippo with a hernia. It’s not helping our marriage to be in a rage, but it’s NOT like i can control it right now. So i demanded that my husband search for a piece of paper that he said he would find 2 weeks ago! So instead of eating breakfast, thats what he’s doing. Why don’t i have him wait until after breakfast??? Because his sorry ass likes to “yes” me to death and is the ultimate procrastinator. DId i mention he doesnt have a job? Yeah, right now he’s one of those.
I am sooooooooooooo sick of those sites where the men lament about their experiences with their now EX-wife who had BPD. I was searching online for resources for my husband and kept coming across website after website about how horrible, tremendously hard it is to maintain a relationship with a borderline. What? Well what if your married to one? Divorce her! That’s basically what they are saying. Even meaningful websites like bpdcentral.com get me sick with links to lawyers, and books on leaving your bpd spouse, and articles and such to “safely” remove children from a bpd household. Now don’t get me wrong, if violence is happening i have nothing against removing a child for their best interest. But i really have yet to see a website on cherishing a marriage, uniting the family, or a website on having a happy borderline household! Does it not exist? Is not possible to have a successful or thriving marriage with someone who is bpd? I dont see websites for divorces of people who are Bi-polar or depressed or schizo-affective or something! Maybe i wasnt looking hard enough or something….
Do you ever get tired of doing things? Like you were SO into a book and all of a sudden just stopped interest? This is a peculiar thing. I was so into learning Japanese (in a maybe i can find an identity as an interpreter or something) and was getting good at it and now, particularly in my circumstances with my husband, i really havent even done anything with it. Havent read my books, or listened to my audio tapes, etc.
The same with my crochet. I can crochet a bit, and i was working on a spring afghan, and i haven’t picked up a hook in weeks.
Am i just bored? Or tired? Or what? Depressed? People love throwing the D-word around. Ya know it’s funny, no one i know knows what BPD is (except the professionals). Only a few people i know knows what bi-polar is, and you can forget about the other personality disorders. Might as well be speaking Martian than try to explain what all that is about.
Why is the world so uneducated? Then i can obviously get the response of “Well come out of hiding and teach the world.” Yea right, ME. I can’t even get through a normal conversation with someone in the real world without either getting triggered (people’s behavior toward me is an extremely large trigger, it’s either hit or miss), getting looked down at (whether it’s in my mind or for real (highly doubt it’s in my mind tho), or being dismissed because of my age. (i’m 24, but look 18, which always disqualifies me for actual adult conversation because no one thinks i’m capable of holding an articulate educated conversation, and because i get so stressed sometimes talking to people, i’ll forget what i want to say, or *in the very worse cases* stutter.
Plus there is also the opinon of: Well, she’s young. She doesnt have a mental illness. She’s just bored/confused/seeking attention/weird/*add your own degrading word*
I want to fly. I want to be set free. I want to let go. I can almost feel it. Taste it. It’s so far, so close, so far. The warm breeze, bright sun, so bright. So close but far. Always too far from my grasp. Right at the tip of my fingertips. But i am strapped down, strapped in, clung to reality. Clung to myself. Clung to my burdens, my responsibilities, my life. I’m shackled, bound in chains, hard and heavy, cold against my skin, heavy to my bones. My wrists hurt from trying to set myself free. To be free, just to be. To fly free. Floating without care. Free. I can feel it , it hurts to dream it. To imagine if it will happen, to hope. It hurts. Because I might not get that hope. I might not fly.
I stayed up until 3:30am going back and forth between crying, aimlessly searching the web, and crying more. Everyone was asleep. This morning i slept in and had no appetite. My husband kept asking me to eat i kept telling him i wasn’t hungry. I stayed in bed. He fed the kids, and made me a giant plate of veggies and vegan hot dogs w/ bread and mustard on the side. I usually attack this meal, it’s one of my favorites. I left it there for 4 hours. When i finally did eat it, i forced it down but it had no taste to me. Now I’m nauseous. It’s a beautiful hot sunny day out today. I don’t want to go out in it.
I called my therapist for an appt, he seemed bothered with me. I missed the last 2 appts. It wasnt my fault, just bad timing on my part.
I want to throw out all those magazines i’ve saved up to buy things “when i had enough money”. You know, the “wish list”. But i feel like, why bother?
I caught him having flirting online comments to women on a networking site. He admits to it and begged my forgiveness but i am in such a state right now that i really dont know what to do. I was back and forth on si’ing. I actually traveled really far to get a bucn of mini knives ”just in case”. I am really particular about what cuts my skin. So i went back to a store that had them years ago, and i’m in luck they were the last ones and they were not being restocked. Once those were out that was it, the store was not selling them anymore. So i went and got a bunch. My husband doesnt know and he wont. And dont let this post make you think that i’m some pushover because i literally beat the hell out of him. I slapped his face repeatedly and shoved him and said all kinds of *gasp* profanities. I was…AM still pissed. And i dont cuss! But this is enough to make a monk cuss.
I’ve stood by him, help take care of HIS two children that aren’t mine who ARENT children anymore. So I’ve basically took care of two *legal* adults who dont know what to do with their lives. In addition to my children, and dealing with his horribly mean mom and mean brothers. I didnt deserve that.
I am so confused and i can’t reach my therapist. Of all times for him to be incognito!!!!!!!!!! One minute i’m okay and the next i just bawl out crying. I had to run out of my job yesterday!!!! I just started getting hysterical while tending to a customer. It was so embarrasing.
I keep talking about suicide, but in a joking way. They say thats how it starts. I would never kill myself i have my kids to think about. My husband doesnt deserve to take care of them. My babies are too good for him. So i cant leave them.
Dont get me wrong, ugh. I love him deeply. He hurt me to my SOUL. And if i didn’t have my children, i probably would have killed him. Feeling like this is just as bad as jail anyway (NOT that i know from personal experience or anything). And whether or not i would have committed actual murder is beside the point and neither here nor there, i am just saying….hey- Lorena Bobbit got away with something…
