Blabbering on and on

Why do i always screw myself over? I procrastinated sending in information to my health insurance company and because of it, they cut it off. My husband and I have no health insurance now and on top of that, I cant see my therapist whe i feel i need to see him the most at the moment. I havent seem bhim in over a month because my husband insisted that we see him together, so he was no longer MY therapist, but OUR therapist. But when my husband’s schedule prevented him from going, i couldnt go. Then the months go by and i just didnt push it about going. Now that my husb and says i can go without him pressuring me to take him along, I have NO INSURANCE! And it’s not like my therapist knows whats been going on. He is the type of therapist who doesnt call if you suddenly stop going. Thats how i stopped years ago. He didnt even call to see if i was still alivea dn yrs later when i ask to see him again, he said “you just disappeared”. Duh. But he didnt call. The phone works both ways. I dont know if i should call him and tell him about the insurance situation. What good will it do? All i know is that if i am really in a “bad” place, my only alternative to self-destructing behavior is being in the hospital, and am not going to admit myself there after being out for 7 years, i am not going to go in just for a case of the “crazies”. Hey, so what that i cut myself for the first time in months and that i see things out the corner of my eye and hear my husband call me when he hasn’t. It’s not as if i see things right in front of my face, or something, that would be freakin’ scary. But the corner of eye thing I can ignore, and I do ignore really. No biggie right? It’s not all the time anyway. But my husband gets a bit freaked when i go up to him and asked why he called me when he didn’t. He doesnt say anything but the look on his face says it all. He just pushes it aside as one of my quirks because he doesnt want to admit that he is married to a woman who has a mental disorder or whatever. I never really showed much symptoms of anything when we were dating  or in the first few years of marriage. It just kinda flared up when i decided to go back to work, after my mom died, when we became homeless. 1,2,3….yeah those 3 things just kinda just threw my mental health for a loop. And the work part really is torture. It’s not that i dont mind working, it’s the people. The kind of people that are out here in the real world, who now jusdt the right things to say to me to make me cry, or get angry or feel lonely. Man… It’s really lonely outside my bubble, and even more lonely within it. 

You know i was dragging a thumbtack across my skin while i was reading the Bible. Kinda counter-productive don’t you think? I couldnt help it. I was reading about what a good wife should be and the guilt of the imperfect me caught up iwht me. I really didnt do any damage, didnt even draw blood. But it felt good nontheless. Man, i must be really screwed up. Screwed up an no one to talk to besides the computer. Ya know I see things out the corner of my eye mostly at work. That’s a coincidence right? LOL. Yeah…right.