I was really bored at work today and it was a slow day, nothing really to do, i answered the phone, did some paperwork, but nothing too major so i got some time on the internet and i was browsing women’s blogs. But for the first time in a while, i was looking at blogs that have nothing to do with mental health, bpd, or anything like that. I focused on looking for positive blogs, and christian blogs and my spirits were uplifted a bit. So much so that i changed my header to match. lol. Now if only this mood will remain when i get home. *sigh*
I went to this site about self-injury that i very rarely go to self-injury because sometimes i feel like the people on it, like/admire/brag about the self-injury that they do to themselves, and i dont think it’s too nice to praise it, or encourage it, especially if someone is trying to stop, it could just trigger it. Besides the fact that alot of the people there who talk about it, are underage. But nontheless, there is a part on the site that talks about hiding (or not) the scars left behind, which was of interest to me because summer is finally here and i’m concerned about my new dark scars. But there are some comments made by si’ers that i find a bit interesting:
“I don’t hide it much. My parents know and have simply give up on trying to make me stop. All my friends know, so I don’t normally feel uncomfortable around them. If I’ve done a particularly bad cut then I’ll just wear sweaters, so as not to get a lecture from someone. Otherwise i just let it go… people can think or say what they want about me cutting myself. I could care less because I know the truth.” [female, age 16, began to SI at age 12-13]
The only time that I hide it is at work. Due to the nature of my job I don’t feel that my many large scars would present a professional image to the other people that I work with. Outside of work I do not try to hide it. It is not something that I feel I should be ashamed of. It is a visible symptom of my illness and it is a part of who I now am, people either accept or they don’t, the choice is theirs’. [male, age 32, began to SI at age 28, Security]
At least they have a trigger warning….
Ya know my job accused me of stealing 600 dollars!!!!!!! Oh my Gosh. I am stunned. I work with money and i accidently wrote in the money log that there was 600 dollars more than there was because somehow i kept writing a 7 instead of a 1 in the hundreds slot of my money logs. So when they went to look for the extra 600 and saw that there wasnt, they automatically thought i took it. That shows me how much trust they have in their employees. And not just their employees, but me. Me, the Christian, shy, cry-baby when yelled at nobody who no one really befriends. Yeah….disgruntled employee right? NO. Surprisingly i get upset when the regulations arent held up properly in my job. I love my job, i just hate the people. Now i hate them even more.
So i’ve been so upset that it triggered me to cut, but not just because of this but it’s like it’s the straw that broke the camel’s back and all my stress and my issues that i’ve been having at home came pouring down on me and i cut my arm a few time. And the funniest thing is that i JUST saw my therapist this morning. Ya know, things always happens when i am farthest away from my next session. Is it just me??
My husband sat me down and made me put up my blog for him to read. He sat there and read from beginning to end. I felt as if i was being raped. I was close to tears. He didnt care. Then after he read everything, he said that he was satisfied. Then he says to me, ” i wont read your blog again, but dont delete it and create a new one or i will have to read that one”. How much sense does that make ???? He took the last bit of privacy I had left. I feel like i am under shackes. Instead of bringing us together, he is pushing me away. I dont know what to do. THis is like stalker/psycho stuff. I’m more mad than scared. I’m just so upset. I feel like a prisoner in my own marriage.
How is it that i have no identity at this moment? What am i? I’m 25, a mom a wife, a mental health patient, an animal lover, an office worker, a Christian. Those are the definites. Now for the indefinites or the fluctuations. I am a conservative Republican, I am liberal Democrat. I only like to wear girly dresses and feel that women should wear dresses as much as possible, I am bohemian and earthy and like to get dirty. I am a like the lights and brights and only listen to uplifting music. I like to be dark, wear dark, be dark (practically emo at times) and listen to hard alternative rock with cussing. The list goes on and on. Ya know sometimes i feel like i am two different people. But it’s not DID because i have no time lapses or other such things as i hear that DIDers have or whatever. But it’s the truth. And no one seems to understand that. Especially my husband (why do my posts always turn around to have an issue around him???). He doesn’t seem to understand why if i am content having my hair in my face in an “i don’t care, this is me today” look one day, then why do i spend a LONG time trying to make my hair flip in a certain way with a curling iron another day. That day my identity wasreally girly and it was almost painful to not have my hair go in a certain way. I wasn’t content (even to the point of being late to work) until it came out the way I wanted it in my head. But my husband thinks that I’m trying to look “pretty” for someone. Then he asks me about it. Over and over and over again. It’s driving me insane (if all this stress hasn’t gotten me half there already).
I dont want anyone on anyblog that i comment to think that my occasional and sometimes not so occasional sarcasm is meant to hurt, make fun of or do anything negative to anyone or anyones blog. Why am i saying this? Maybe because in t he real world, that’s how i’m perceived. And my sarcasm is not taken lightly. I cant help it, some times i’m sarcastic without even me realizing it. Then it’s too late to take it back or explain myself. Then it’s like, I made another “oopsie” when it comes to people. I can’t seem to get people right. People always take me the wrong way. Even my husband. He’s constantly telling me, “Don’t you hear yourself, dont you hear how you sound?”
Well what am i supposed to do about it? The way i talk in my head is not what people hear. I can’t help it.
Ya know i was on the phone with my hubby a few hours ago while i am at work and a coworker (who doesnt even work in my department but i see him occasionally when our jobs coincide) says good morning to me, and i said it back. My husband on the phone from that point on had an “attitude” on the phone. I kept asking him whats wrong, even though i already knew (i just wanted to hear it from him) and he kept saying nothing was wrong.
Yeah, what was wrong was that i DARED utter a word to a male without being in the presence of my husband. By the way, i’m not muslim, or legalistic christian or anything else i can think of that would make this forbidden. It is just how it is in my marriage. I’m trying to be patient with this. It’s not like i was asked to dinner. It would have been rude not to say goodmorning. But he can’t see that.
Okay so I may be behind in the times because i never had a Red Bull before, but i was raised not to drink or eat things like that so i never tried it. I also have asthma and i was warned not to even drink boost or any other energy drink. So of course i stayed away from all of that . But today i decided that i would try one becuase i alwaysfall asleep in my job and i got caught in my job sleeping more than once and i want to keep my job so i said why not? And i got one and i didnt know that they come in different sizes so i got a big one. When my coworkers saw that they were making fun of me saying that i was going to be all explosivie and it was like a drug and i’d be all hyper and all of the good stuff…well, just wanted to let you know that THEY WERE RIGHT!!! Man i feel like i’m on cloud nine! I’m all jumpy and dancy( my supervisor is not here so i have my mp3 player on and i’m dancing where no one can see me), and talkative even though there is really no one here to talk to (not many people here are my friends-none actually except this lady who i think is bipolar or something because sometimes she is the sweetest and somethimes she is a …bitch is a too strong of a word….you fill in the blank i cant think of anything) And anyway i seem not to be able to stop so i guess it will keep me up today but i just finished it and i think i am going to get another one on my break. Does it sound smart toi me to do so?? Probably not but i like this feeling. This is coming from a person who never did drugs except one inhale of something because i was curious to see what all the fuss was about. And i am not a drinker. I tried beers and spritzers and such no big thing. I evwen tried vodka and i that was the only thing that really affected me, except today. Wow, maybe there is some drugs in it. I’m just kidding. Dont be alarmed red bull people and dont sue me.
*Note to the bipolars- i was not insulting anyone, and if anyone is insulted i am so sorry, i didnt mean it! You know i have all the love in the world for you and just about everyone right now.*
This is fun………………hahahahaha
Well that’s the best way i can put it. He saw me on the blog, didnt see me writing it though, just saw me looking at it as if it wasnt mine, and he goes “WHOSE BLOG IS THAT!!!” I told him it was my personal blog and i closed the window. He got furious saying i was hiding something, and i told him it was like an anoymous online diary and the first thing he said was “do men visit your blog”? Just to avoid an arguement i said no. He can’t separate a man from his sexuality. Even if the blog was on mathmatics, he’d be convinced visitors who are male would be trying to get into my “virtual” pants. Anyway, he kept saying i had a guilty look to my face and i kept telling him how there is nothing going on and he things i just created this blog recently like within the last few weeks to counter some issues we’ve been having with him doubting my loyalty and fidelity. I mean come on, just because my husband’s penis is constantly on his mind and might as well be glued to it, doesn’t mean that all men’s penises are.
